Yes, it’s been awhile. But trust me it’s not been because I haven’t had thoughts. Boy, have I ever had thoughts. 

School started. It’s been a long road since high school, academically. Freshman year of college I worked so hard. My life was, yet again, basketball and school. 3.8 as a freshman. I was truly proud of myself. But then I quit ball. I couldn’t do it any longer. It wasn’t worth it. And I think I realize now that I had to find myself. I have known who I am on the surface but not inside. And maybe I needed this time, these past almost 3 years, to figure things out. 

Negative view point: I have wasted year years of my life, of my college career. Of my youth. I’m seriously, troubled and bothered that I have done this to myself. Yet at the same time I cannot imagine myself continuing on in   basketball or at MSC. 

Family. Why can’t people just relax. Take a step back and breathe. I don’t understand why people have to take things so personally. If one thing doesn’t go their way it’s everyone’s fault. Grandma wants to yell at Great Gramma because she asks the same question every 3 minutes. My Great Grandmother has lived 98 years, I think she’s allowed to asked what the time is every 3 minutes. But instead of just saying “3 o’clock” every time she asks, instead Gramma yells. “What time does your clock say?” “I just told you 5 minutes ago!” “Well what did I just say it was?” Wouldn’t it be easier to say “3 o’clock” over and over again? My Grandmother has heart problems. She has had mini heart attacks, or “spells” we call them, every once in a while. The doctor says they are stress-induced. So we at the house try to create less stress for her. Nope, she still yells and screams and argues with Great Grandmother even if we got it covered. So, you know what? It’s on Grandma. She needs to create less stress for herself. Mentally and emotionally. She is the one who needs to realize that her mother is not sitting in that chair asking her the same question over and over again just to piss her off, or because she doesn’t trust your judgement. But how is this fair? Lucie and I are the ones who have to deal with the yelling and the screaming and the bitching. We are the ones who it gets taken out on. I’m a growing adult, am I supposed to do something about it?

Possible solution: Currently I have class in the mornings followed by track practice at 2pm and then homework and reading and dance every tuesday night. I could quit track. I could go to classes 8-11a and 8-9a and come home to take care of Great Grandmother. When she’s with Maria or the Senior Center I could do my pottery and crafts to sell and hopefully make a little money. While sitting with Great Gramma in the afternoon I could do my homework and reading and when she goes to bed at 630p so could I. 

Other possible solution: If I didn’t quit track I would go to classes still do pottery during the day til 2p while GGma is occupied and go to practice from 2-5p and take care of her for bed. And do hw and go to bed myself. But then Gramma will be dealing with her during that time. She gets so frustrated with her anytime time of the day. it seems hat this won’t even help. 

Is Gramma going through all this for a reason? That is what Mom always asks. Maybe she’s supposed to deal with her stress and being able to be at peace with herself and where she’s at in her life. But she’s obviously not learning those lessons or any lessons apparently and it is at the expense of the family. I just don’t know what to do.

Am I on the right path academically? I think I’m gonna become a psychology major and then go into social work or counseling as a master and maybe even double master in art therapy as well. It’s all very intriguing and I like the field but is it what I’m supposed to be doing? And if I get down the road and realize I should have done this or that will I have time, money and energy to go back and make that happen or will I forever live with this choice I made? I just don’t know what to do.

My horoscope the other day said that I’m focusing too much on the negative and yes apparently that’s true but I’m having a very hard time focusing on the positive with all of this weighing on my mind, because I feel like I’m the one who needs to fix all of this.

Maybe I’ll try: I have only missed one day of one class so far this semester. I have been keeping up on my readings for my classes. I have been an active participant in class. I have tried keeping my room and bathroom clean. I have tried to make myself presentable for class instead of just sweats. 

But then of course here I am going to say the things I still need to do. Go to the gym everyday. Take my pills everyday. Do a little pottery everyday. Get sleep. 

All my life I have felt that I have never done enough that  I was never good enough. And here I am convincing myself that I’m not good enough.