Morning Glory with Rachel McAdams is amazing. This movie empowers me. Is that weird? She has all the strength and stamina to turn an entire show around, furthering her career. I want to do that. I want to make a difference in something. I want to stand out, be empowered and strong. I can do it. I want to do it. 

A show a month? But that means I’m gonna have to bust my butt everyday to have what I need for a decent viewing. 

I have nothing to prove… only to myself. Show myself that I can get this done. 

And I will. 

I am my own Morning Glory. 

For as strong as I think I am I have always ran away from my problems. When too many voices decide to talk at once I get in my car and drive… for a long time… in the opposite directions. Gives me a fresh start mentally I always thought. But does it? I can’t I go around the distractions and voices in my life? Why do I have to let everybody else’s voice over power my own?

I need motivation. I need self pride. I need to be focused. I’m sick of moping! I’m sick of trying to make myself feel better, and not succeeding. I’m sick of putting on a fake smile. I’m sick of being around people. I’m sick of never making anyone happy when it’s not my job to begin with. 

My priorities are so fucked up, I can’t even stand it. Where’s ME! Where did I go?! Where did my mind and knowledge and competitiveness and charm and determination go?! I swear I just had it. 

I am going to run. I am going to study. I am going to get a passing grade in my classes. I am going to be my first priority. I’m going to spend less time on the phone. I am going to focus on my responsibilities to myself first, before anything else. I am going to go to bed at a decent hour. I am going to be positive. I am going to wake up motivated. 

I need to be alone. Physically, and emotionally. Just please disappear. 

Due Date. May 12th, 2011. 

It’s interesting. You go through break ups so many times in your life. The feeling kinda doesn’t change with each break up. Just the intensity of the pain. I sit here thinking of the person I’ve called every night to go to sleep, that I want to talk to that person. But then ya know, she’s not gonna make this better anymore like I thought she used to. No one can. Just Me. Isn’t that sad? That You are the only person You can count on. Doesn’t that get lonely? Maybe that’s why people create multiple personalities lol. I don’t know I just think it’s all funny. Makes me wonder if I’m better without.

When I sit around a fire for some reason I always feel relaxed and at home.. I wanna pull out my book, read and cozy up warm in my bed. I want to be at peace with my life, with where I’m going and who I am. I feel that I am yet like it feels like I’m missing something. But what? I’m being a good student the majority of the time, I have an amazing girlfriend and am in a growing and happy relationship, I am being responsible and focused with my pottery and family duties. What else is there? For now that is

I want time alone. I want to get back to taking care of ME.